My biological clock

I'm increasing jealous of mothers...Young mothers with infants, kids,......I do want a kid..I do. But I'm single and I really don't want to adopt a child alone. I also am not in 20's...and therefore my egg is deteriorating even as I'm typing this blog...I'm not sure if I will be able to have my own baby......

I feel like my life is so boring...Yes, I have a good job, good single life...yes yes yes....but it's same ol' same ol'. I want to adventure out! Should I pick a different place to live or choose to be
a single mother raising a child?

Sometimes I wonder why some people who shouldn't be a mother is a mother and some like me is not?

I really don't want to provide a fatherless environment to my future child...My dad was rarely home and then he died when I was young....so I don't want that for my child.....

This is soooooo hard.........

Evilness of the human nature

I watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tonight. It made me to contemplate on the evilness of the human nature.

I remember reading a police report about guys who would threaten prostitutes after using their "services". Some tried to kill them, cut them, rob them......

Why are they like that? Is this the innate part of the human nature? Why are they doing these? Because they can get away with it? Do people get more pleasure out of doing something that's prohibited? Even if it causes pain in others?

I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm definitely scared of evilness of the human nature...
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Last night as I was tossing and turning on my bed due to the nightmare-ish movie, I realized something else about the human nature. When I was watching the movie, I was getting so angry at a couple of evil characters, I imagined horribly hurting them. Then I thought, "Wait, is that justifiable?" Wanting to hurt them because they hurt others,...is that okay?? I'm sure the general public would join my side to hurt those who hurt the innocent victims..but is that really a right choice?
Also how did those characters (pretty realistic) arrived to the point of such hatred and anger when none of their victims caused any pain to them? Can we train our brain to be so angry toward someone whom we just met?

Dead flowers

I sprinkled some seeds from a packet about one year ago. Only few blossomed to the adult stage last year and frankly they weren't attractive. But I persisted (well, more likely got lazy and just wanted to stare at them) and this year, about fifty of them arised out of the 1 feet under. I got excited. I winked at them daily hoping that would help...(and occasional watering).

Today, I got out of the front door and saw NOTHING. ALL of them were wiped out! I screamed in my normal way. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. What happened to my flowers?

My mom, who's currently staying with me (=cleaning my place to her level of cleanness) has DESTROYED all of them thinking they were weeds.....

I got so upset and showed off my still existed child tantrum..

She got upset because she thought they were damn ugly and still believed they were weeds.

I got upset at her for responding back to me.

My dog got scared because I was yelling.

Now, I'm............sad. Sad for my flowers. Sad for my still-existing-dysfunctional-child tantrum. Sad for my mom for taking shit from her daughter. I'm sad for myself for losing something that were perhaps ugly but were like children to me.

It's a sad day. ...and it's only 10:23am.